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I seem to have fallen into a diet. Now, I'd like to point out that I wasn't shamed or peer pressured or fadded or trended or Jamie Olivered or Wii'd into it. If anything, I seem to have started at a time people are usually quitting theirs. I've fallen into it by a very similar mechanism to that one where you're perfectly happy to be living with your room in a mess, and then one day suddenly start cleaning up without previously planning to. That's what happened here, I started dieting without planning to.
Maybe it was seeing those pictures of my grandparents when they were around my age that did it. Realizing then that what we look like now is not how we'll be remembered looking in the future. And then I looked at pictures of myself when I was younger. I'd been wondering about the size disparity between my brothers and I and realized it had not always been there. I don't remember my teens very well at all, but if it was as full of junk food as it was depression, it certainly explains a lot. And my mother says that when she met my father, he'd been a rake back then. Point is, I wasn't born this way. I don't think less of anyone who is. But if I did this to myself, then I can undo it. I guess I've just realized that the way I am now is not the way I'll always have to be. And I'm legitimately curious as to what I actually look like under this extra layer of padding.
Besides, I've lost weight before. I managed to lose my second chin in college, though by a less than ideal combination of stress and starvation. I'm pretty sure I can do better this time.
So, my new diet is as follows:
Breakfast: 1 appetite suppressant, 1 glass of water.
Lunch: 1 appetite suppressant, half a glass of water.
Dinner: 2 appetite suppressants, 1 glass of low-fat water.
Snack: Half an appetite suppressant.

Okay, kidding. That's just what it bloody feels like. It's actually this.
Breakfast: 1 cup of coffee, 4 small biscuity bran oaty bar thingies. I dunno. Let's just call them Fruity Oaty Bars, even though they're not bars and have no fruit but everyone loves a Firefly reference so much that they're the only reason you're watching Castle. Admit it.
Lunch: Soup, slice of bread.
Dinner: Whatever's going, only in smaller portions. It's usually the healthiest thing I've eaten all day anyway.
Snack: Fruit. And may I say what a particularly effective snack fruit makes. It's like dwarf bread, you see that's all there is to eat and decide you'll wait for dinner. I was able to procrastinate the bejeezus out of an orange almost the entire day yesterday. I pretty much just used it as a prop more than an actual source of food.

Hmm, what else. Well, cut out chocolate. Entirely. It's not even Lent yet. Yeah, getting a head start on all y'all. Trimming down on the dairy, too. No more than one slice of cheese per day, if that. Low fat milk. Low fat everything, actually (tastes as good as it sounds). Going by what my Da's dietician told us, anything with over three grams of saturated fat in it is off-limits. Which is 99% of the entire fucking supermarket/food chain.
I'm also trying to tap into that "overly polite stomach" phenomenon I've experienced whenever I've gone abroad. I don't know if it's an Irish thing or what, but when staying with other people, my stomach's always gone all "I won't, says I, I'm fine!", which leads to me wondering why it can't be this behaved when I'm at home on my own. Next to fruit, it's the most effective anti-snacking measure I've ever witnessed, and I just need to tap into that. Somehow convince my digestive system that this house isn't my house, upon which it will be instantly mortified at the prospect of imposing. Maybe if I move the furniture around in my sleep...

So, that's the diet plan. Which, you have to admit, is head and shoulders above my original one. See I was originally just going to wait for the apocalypse, and then watch the pounds just drop off. Upon further consideration, the optimal thing is probably to be physically fit before the apocalypse hits. ...Hey, I wonder if there's a market in post-apocalyptic diet books? ...Oh! Oh! Wait for it! Let it come! Ladies and gentlemen: The Waistland Survival Guide.

Ah haw haw.

Very little of the above was serious. The diet plan is real, everything else is waffle. ...Mmmmm. Waffffles.
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December 2011

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