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[personal profile] dar
It's funny. Most of September, I was going stir crazy with boredom. Had to keep myself under self-imposed house arrest so I wouldn't spend any money or worse, cost the family more money to keep me here than it should. So, much like Queen, I was going slightly mad.
Then almost all this week, joy of joys, stuff to do. Plans underfoot. Things to get, things to prepare for, things to look forward to, watchable shows back on TV, classic movies with my brother, and with all that life has begun to feel like it has a point. ...Which is usually an illusion, probably the most common illusion, but also the most necessary.

And even though I'm already thinking of the things to do when I get back (ALL of the things!), tomorrow I get on a plane with Sabrina and spend two weeks in Japan. A plan that began in a wonderfully cold and prosperous January when the year was new and had yet to become such a disappointment. A plan that, were it a baby, would have been born by now. I go to spend my admittedly meagre life savings, but then nobody said being mentally ill in Ireland was cheap. When I get back, I'll be almost completely bankrupt, but that just adds more fuel to the grand plan of starting over again with my life.
Before that, however, it's off to Japan, the geek mecca. It's technically my first "real" holiday as an adult. My first time abroad where I'm not going to couchsurf and meet up with someone I know who lives there. Lookit me being a worldly adult at 29.

I've got some places I want to see and things I want to do, but really I'll just be stepping into another world and soaking up as much of it as I can. Right now I'm just stocking up on music to get me through the flight(s). I'm all packed. In fact, I packed twice. I also had to move all my stuff out of my room (which felt oddly like I was leaving home), as Ma has plans to remodel my room in my absence. So I'll be coming back to this all changed, which is good. I'm planning on a new start.

These last few months have been crazy. So much disappointment. A lot of change, little of it welcome and little of it touching on me. A lot of fear and worry, mostly about money and the future. And now this big scary trip that seemed like it would never happen is in a few hours. It's funny, it was seeing David Norris getting back into the running for President that put things in perspective. No, I'm not buying into the political glamour and spin. It's just the fact that this damn country was so cruel to him. Gay-bashed and bullied him out of a candidacy, but enough support was still there to convince him to run again. And if he gets it, it'll be inspiring to anyone who's ever felt bullied out of their goals by this cynical little island.
I guess what I'm saying is, at the end of the day, the dependable unpredictability of life is something I rely on when times seem dark. There's no predicting the future, which means things really can work out for the best. The man who didn't have a chance, does. The holiday that couldn't happen is happening. Things don't seem as bad in as house like they did. At the risk of jinxing it, there exists the possibility that much-needed change begins here and now.

I have the tools. I have my bags packed. I have plans and goals and things to see. And no fear (apart from flying), because it's a big world out there and I'm finally going to go get a decent chunk of it under my toes. And I know I can, because I know when I step outside my door and start walking, I become who I need to be.
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December 2011

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