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[personal profile] dar
Yes, I'm doing this again. Though it's hard. Hard to see the point. Even just typing these words, every single letter screams "Nobody cares. Nobody wants to read your pointless yammering. Stop pretending you're not completely forgettable or that you don't just lift right out. This is crap and useless because you are every bit as pathetic as you worry you are."

So yeah, that. I haven't been dead. I just haven't seen a point in writing anything. I just very outside it all. Like I'm the only one who'd read so why bother writing what I already know? I think it all started after Japan, when I came back and felt horribly obligated to write about the trip. Like it was a custom or meme. Take a holiday, write about it on the internet. It just seemed so awfully prosaic. I mean, everyone who knows me knows I want, and anything they want to know about it, they can ask. So what was the point? And after a while I began to wonder what was the point to posting anything about my life at all, since it's such a forgettable and unmissable life.

I'm not as depressed as this post sounds. This has just been on my mind, and I've been inexplicably afraid of putting words on the screen. I can't figure out why, though maybe I'm just scared if I shout "NOBODY CARES!", the following silence will confirm it. I've been writing, sure, just not about me and not where anyone will see it. I just don't find myself an interesting subject to write about, and I wish I could shake that feeling.
Cheery, I know. Hey, that's Christmas.

But I am trying. Hoping that if I post more, I'll get back into the habit and the blinking cursor won't seem so formidable. Hence, a meme. Oh, there go those "NOBODY'S INTERESTED!" alarms again.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Went to Japan. Watched Buffy. Read Sandman. Been frighteningly poor. Followed a TV show in another language. Started a novel. Played and beaten a game on Xbox with my brother. Been a charity worker for two whole days. Made friends with complete strangers. Been to the dentist for the first time in years. Seen a pet die in front of me.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't do new year's resolutions. Most of them don't last beyond January, and there's better reasons to make resolutions than because everyone else is too. But I do hope to get back into writing more.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes, my cat.

5. What countries did you visit?
Japan, and I suppose England counts because that was where we got our connecting flight.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Money. I'm not greedy, it's just very scary when you have none. Closeness, romance and intimacy with a member of the opposite sex. Failing that, a reliable gaming system.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
No date in particular, but the first two weeks of October stand out as a welcome example of just how good life can actually be.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Feeling like a grown-up.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Let's not do this...

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Injury, no, but our good friend mental illness never strayed very far from home.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
As far as I'm concerned, everything I paid for in yen was worth the whole lifetime.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
That would be Sabrina, whose idea it was to go to Japan in the first place. And when it looked like I couldn't afford to go, affored to pay for my ticket. Much like Chloe from 24, for someone who's not good with praise, she sure does a lot to deserve it.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I shall remember 2011 as the year I stopped wanting to live in America, on account of rampant batshit insanity. Oh, I still want to visit, and maybe even work for a while. But citizen, nooooooo. America's determination to turn itself into the way Ireland used to be truly frightens me. That being said, well done on getting Osama.
And then, of course, there's our good old friends, the Catholic church, who continue to be run a fucking nazi and have more interest in fucking the underage than fandom does, if that's possible.
The governments of the Middle East who violently opposed the civil uprisings there, and the fucking HYPOCRITICAL governments of Europe and America who praised people standing up for change and then violently suppressed anyone doing likewise in their own country. This year has awakened my inner Britta.
And finally: ungrateful, entitled, pathologically unpleasable, hypocritical, whiny fanboys and fangirls. If you're going to complain about everything you watch, read and play, maybe you should just stop. You people have forgotten that a fan is someone who LIKES something.
Oh yeah, and a certain scumbag who, when I thought not even he would steal from his own mother, stole from his own mother.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Into yen.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Holidays! Batman! Novel ideas!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Kazuyoshi Saito - "Yasashiku Naritai"
Johnny Cash - "I Don't Hurt Anymore"
Kate Bush - "Cloudbusting"
Kyosuke Himuro - "HEAT"
Roy Orbison - "In Dreams"
Bruce Springsteen - "Life Itself"
Peter Gabriel - "Apres Moi"

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? In spite of everything, probably happier. My head is tidier. My crazy is more managable. My brother is here.
ii. thinner or fatter? Neither, really. Same old spare tyre.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer. Much, MUCH poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Wish I'd spent longer in Japan and had more time to get to know people. Wish I could have afforded to keep up with the games everyone else was playing. Wish I could have visited friends in other countries.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Waiting. Interminably waiting. Oh, and wishing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Drunk, is the plan anyway.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

22. How many one-night stands?
A bright and shiny zero.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Kaseifu No Mita, Community and Doctor Who.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Tom "I'm a fucking bell-end who thinks depression and mental illness is a scam." Cruise.

25. What was the best book you read?
Dunno if it counts as a book, but I finally got around to reading Neil Gaiman's Sandman.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tori Amos, Sparks, BOOWY.

27. What did you want and get?
Out of here :p

28. What did you want and not get?
To kiss someone.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Well, I liked Battle: Los Angeles, The Next Three Days, Apollo 18 and though seriously flawed the Gantz movies were visually enjoyable. It's a bad sign of the times that "not terrible" is the most you can hope for in a movie these days.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I really don't remember and probably need someone to remind me. And I was 29.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not telling.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Unsloppy casual.

33. What kept you sane?
Friends. Family. Cognitive behavioural therapy. Knowing NOT to do anything when I feel like lashing out, because nothing I could possibly do would result in a better situation than doing nothing.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Nanako Matsushima. Summer Glau. Olivia Wilde. Felicia Day. Michelle Obama.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
The return to feudalism by governments who realized they could do absolutely anything they wanted to the masses so long as the masses were kept happily distracted by mindless, trivial SHIT like reality TV, royal weddings and Kardashians. Hey, you can be locked up without charge now, but who cares so long as X-Factor and Strictly are on, right?

36. Who did you miss?
If you're reading this, then you're someone I've missed.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Sawako, Ryuichi and the Asakusa hostel bunch.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
#1 - The whole world can change in a day, so a LOT can happen in a week.
#2 - You're not as messed up as you used to be. You can actual person now, you just need someone to take a chance with you.
#3 - Don't ever let yourself get hurt like that. Not ever.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Life’s not a song,
Life isn’t bliss,
Life is just this,
It’s living.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-12-24 06:26 pm (UTC)
damanique: (Default)
From: [personal profile] damanique
Hey, I care, especially about reading people's journal entries. There is a lot more in those than in a tweet, or Facebook status, or Tumblr post. But yeah, once you start writing with "what will other people think?" in mind, writing starts to suck. I had a stint like that with my journal a few years ago. However, I've always written my journal for myself, not for others. Sometimes I write in it often, sometimes there's weeks in between. It doesn't matter. I do feel the impulse to write about important stuff that's happening, because I also feel like my journal is a bit like a chronicle of my life these days. Where I can go back and see what important things happened when; and often, writing things down helps me remember them better. Like my life isn't one big blur of Things Happening.

Anyway, we care and we're interested. SO THERE. :D


dar: (Default)

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